During the long winter months here in Chicago, I save lists of shows and movies to watch while on the Peloton, especially on days when it’s just too gloomy and sub-zero to go outside. Ironically, one of the warmest shows I watched during this especially bitter season was North of North, the story of a young Inuk mother named Siaja finding herself as she navigates her mother’s past, raises her daughter, and struggles with her rocky relationship with her husband, Ting, in a small village in the Arctic Circle.

Siaja and Ting are separated, at her request. At one point, Ting tries to reconcile by flattering her with compliments and mentioning that he’s been reading about Love Languages. Hers, he notes, is Words of Affirmation. Meanwhile, he’s left the house they once shared in total disarray, which Siaja quietly worry-cleans when Ting goes missing after a hunting trip. Later, in a more tender moment, he tells her, “Just so you know, this is my love language.”

For those who may have missed it, The 5 Love Languages was written by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1992, and I remember it was everywhere back then. His theory is that people express and receive love in five distinct ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. Chapman’s hypothesis is that people tend to give love in the way they prefer to receive it, and better communication happens when you speak your partner’s “language.” So if you love receiving gifts, you’re more likely to give them, even if your partner might prefer Words of Affirmation, and you’d be wise to figure that out.

But do these languages actually work? Dr. Chapman has been married to the same person for decades, so in a study group of two, I suppose they’re doing something right. But a 2024 Psychology Today paper used a condensed version of the 5LL with 700 couples (who’d been together at least a year) to test relationship satisfaction based on whether their love languages “matched.”

Overall, the study found no real impact on satisfaction based on matching love languages, and more than half the participants didn’t even have a specific one.

In short, any form of expression—Acts of Service, Touch, etc.—was seen as positive, but Words of Affirmation and Quality Time skewed the highest. So this study pretty much disproved the 5LL hypothesis that you need to focus on one language to be successful in love. Instead, be nice and make time for your partner. Makes sense to me.

Still, The 5 Love Languages (and its many sequels, including The 5LL of Children) have sold more than 20 million copies. Clearly, people are looking for something.

I sometimes poke fun at this armchair psychology, but despite actual scientific evidence to the contrary, it still rings true for me. My love language? Care and Feeding.

Maybe that’s not in the original five, but hear me out.

In recognition of life’s highs and lows, I will probably cook for you. Got dumped? Brownies will be provided. Big promotion? Bread and jam will appear. Under the weather? Soup’s on. I like baking for people so much that I started a micro-bakery, and I’m your go-to for potluck treats. Then I check in (that’s the Care part). Did you like it? How are you doing?

(OK, maybe I like Words of Affirmation, too. A gold star never hurt anybody. I did love bringing home a spotless report card.)

On the opposite end of the recognition spectrum is my husband. He’s an engineer, through and through, and his LL is Acts of Service. He’s remarkable in the way he quietly takes care of all of us. No showboating, just steady, thoughtful support. He maintains our lovely old house, which always has a project going. He handles the car repairs and service, where I’m hopeless. Even his literal gifts are service-adjacent. My slippers were flat and falling apart, so he got me an extra-fluffy new pair for Christmas. My favorite non-stick pan stopped non-sticking, and an upgrade was under the tree.

Romantic? Probably not going to make it onto the next Danielle Steele cover: Woman unwraps frying pan, collapses into hero’s arms. But to me, there’s nothing sweeter than knowing he’s always there, a steady presence balancing out my wild enthusiasm. I love baking for him (no complaints so far), and I try to thank him frequently for handling so much household minutiae with calm, quiet efficiency.

And, somehow, we’ve figured out how to speak the languages we need.

We text each other little sweet things during our workdays. We’ve got anniversary plans this month, just a quiet dinner to celebrate 16 years of marriage. Time flies.

I keep thinking about that scene in Stranger Than Fiction, when Will Ferrell’s IRS-agent character brings his love interest, a baker played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, a “dozen flours.” She drops her emotional armor, and they share a warm chocolate chip cookie.

Now that’s a love language I understand.