Hello, Passenger who lives in my house! Welcome to MomUber! I’ll be your driver, Mom. Buckle up! Current passenger rating: 5.0 stars. Driver rating: under constant review.

Estimated arrival time: 14 minutes.

Actual arrival time: 37 minutes due to forgotten cleats, a missing water bottle, and an emergency bathroom stop that somehow emerged exactly three minutes after leaving home.

I see you’re a MomUber Premium member. MomUber Premium Benefits Include:

Complimentary snacks
Emotional support
Lost-and-found services
Remembering everyone else's schedule
Unlimited waiting in parking lots

Just a few questions as we depart on our journey today:

Let’s confirm your destination: Camp? Park? Friend’s house? Soccer practice? Baseball practice? Hitting practice? Catching practice? The other soccer team practice? The other camp? The other other camp? The birthday party somewhere in a park? At your service!

Do you have your snacks? Water? Backup hydration? Sunscreen? Bug spray? Phone? Permission slip? CTA card? Birthday present? Chapstick? Emergency cash?

Excellent.

Now, how’s the vehicle environment? Is it too cold/hot? Feel free to jack around with the controls so we are either roasting or freezing. Blast the air conditioning if you so desire. Don’t worry about me; I brought an extra coat just for the occasion, even though it’s 87 degrees outside.

What’s your musical preference? I was listening to some incredible stuff from the 80s/90s/2000s glory days of radio, from back when I was in high school/college/young and single and had super cool taste in music. Would you like to hear a story about how Lisa and I played The La’s and drove my boyfriend’s car on Lake Shore Drive one evening in college? No?

Okay.

That’s okay.

I didn’t want to share that cherished memory from my youth anyway. I definitely was not going to play that song and sing along. No way.

Wait, sure, go ahead and take over my playlist, that’s cool. I’m sure my algorithm will be fine now that it includes both Frank Ocean and Death Grips. Kid Cudi? Sure, you’ve sold me on him, and Lupe Fiasco, too, if I’m honest but, no worries, let’s hear some noise, I mean, whatever music you and your friends like, that’s cool.

Do you prefer some witty conversation with your mother, or perhaps you’d like to nap? Surely, I don’t want to hear about your day/your life/your deepest hopes and dreams. Silence (other than your playlist, of course) is fine, I guess.

We've arrived at your destination!

Before exiting the vehicle, please remember all personal belongings, including water bottles, sports equipment, sweatshirts you insisted you wouldn't need, and the life lessons we've been trying to cram into your carry-on since birth.

Please remember:

Be kind.

Work hard.

Pay attention.

Trust your instincts.

Don't be afraid to take up space.

And text me when you get there.

I love that you're out in the world being an awesome human being, and I worry every second you're away, but I'm trying to be cool about it, so I won't roll the window down and yell I LOVE YOU SO MUCH as you walk away.

What was that? You tell me that you love me, and you blew a kiss before you closed the car door?

Your rating is a million stars and my whole heart, forever.

Thank you for choosing MomUber.

Your fare today was one protein bar, whatever water is left in my personal water bottle, and the possibility that one day you'll remember who drove you everywhere.

Five-star ratings are appreciated but not required.

Next stop: wherever life takes you.

Wherever you're headed, I'll be waiting at pickup.