This year I’ll celebrate a ‘significant’ birthday, and the temptation is to think about all the things I have yet to do, all the places I’ve never been. In other words: The Bucket List. In the movie of the same name, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, facing their imminent mortality, embark on adventures worthy of a film – they go skydiving, take a safari, visit the Taj Mahal – you get the gist. The list is impressive, and in a pre-or post-pandemic world, maybe even possible. Not right now.

Recently it seemed like we were getting back to life as we knew it before COVID. This summer, I was lucky enough to see family in Florida, go to the beach, hug my best friend in New York and see another finally marry his handsome fiancé. I feel incredibly blessed because the outlook doesn’t look good for the pandemic. It may be a while before I get to do those types of things again, nonetheless see the Taj.

Besides, I’ve always found the idea of a bucket list a bit morbid. Like the men of the eponymous movie, the BL seems like the last gasp, a parting gesture on the way out.

Before the pandemic, Marie Kondo promised we’d find joy in having less clutter in our spaces, and I think that includes our headspace. It’s the last few months before That Birthday, and in tribute to KonMari, I submit to you something new: The UnBucket List, a list of things I vow NOT to do. If I have to face mortality, even in the long view, this list will help me focus on what’s most important, what makes me the happiest, and gives me permission to ignore the rest.

Don’t make excuses for saying No. If there is any sort of a rainbow after the storm of last year, it’s the relief of saying no. While I have extrovert tendencies, the introvert in me is happiest with my family, or with just a person or two, and my small circle of close friends. Treasure time with those you love most and say no to the rest.
Don’t confuse busy with happy. This is related to #2. You don’t have to do everything, or even anything, sometimes. Downtime is important. You can be busy and happy but also not busy and happy. The choice is up to you, no pressure. Slow down; it’s OK.
Don’t over-explain. Nobody wants to know your thought process, and you don’t owe it to anyone to explain. Want to know more? Too bad. Tell the truth and stick to it, and you won’t have to tell the backstory.
Don’t feel guilty. My favorite mediation teacher, Joseph Goldstein, says that most guilt is self-centered behavior. You feel guilty because you think you are the center of interest by everyone. For the most part, people don’t notice you; and most of your guilt is just ego in overdrive. Everyone makes mistakes. Make amends if you need to, but let it go.
Don’t ignore your needs. It’s easy to get lost in caretaking for everyone to the detriment of your own health. Don’t forget to feed yourself, literally and figuratively, or you will starve.
Don’t ignore your gut. The biggest mistakes I’ve made have come after I acted in opposition to my best instincts. Trust your intuition – in love, work, and friendships – and whatever happens, you will at least be true to yourself. In the past few years of meditation practice, I’ve come to realize that a quiet mind is a happy mind. Sit and know you’re sitting, as they say, and listen in mindfulness to what you need to work through.
Don’t forget how to play. I’ve always been a kind of serious person. I remember being a stressed-out kid, suffering under the weight of the pressure I put on myself to achieve. It’s only as I’ve become a parent that I’m learning how to play again. My sister is great at play, and I’m trying my best to channel that silly and fun part of myself that I hid away a long time ago.
And finally: Don’t wear uncomfortable shoes (without an excellent reason). I danced at my friend’s wedding in some fabulous heels and didn’t suffer a bit – but in general, I’m now a white tennis shoe girl. I had a closet full of uncomfortable heels, and when I was sorting them out for donation, the phrase I most repeated was, “What was I thinking?”

Twenty-five-year-old me would probably be horrified by this list. She would probably roll her eyes as she walked away on her stilettos. Still, I hope the advice of this mature lady can save someone some heartache or, at least, aching feet.